t is January. The weather is dreary and rainy; incessant rain. I am soaked to the bone, shivering from the freezing, penetrating cold, and from something else: An inherent fear lest I would not survive. I have not been employed a year and two months. My debt to the bank is soaring by the day. All I have been doing is running to and fro in the rain, which fails to wash away my pain and frustration, and thus to pave a new path. I have been in constant movement fourteen months; from one job interview to another, from one town, to the next; roaming all over town and hanging advertisements — in the cold and the heat — private lessons, babysitting; just as long as I have some cash in my pocket, and won’t go hungry. I am connected to nothing but the pain I am experiencing here and now, to the flooding desperation. Heavy clouds cover the horizon, and there is no sign as to the direction in which this path shall pull me, and how long I have left until the end of it.
It is December now; a sunny winter day. I am sitting by my office desktop. I have been employed here two years and four months. A big, international company, an excellent salary, relatively to a young woman. Here I found all the simplest things I so yearned to have too long a time; stability and security. Suddenly, everything seems so simple; work hard, put forth effort, give what you’ve got. In return, you will receive appreciation, attention to your words and actions. Until that point, I had not encountered anything like that. Thus, I grew to believe that those things do not exist in the local job market, that perhaps I was asking for too much. I came a long way between those two points in time. Much pain, sweat and tears. I encountered depression and inherent fears, which resulted in many nights of restless sleep, or no sleep at all. Out there, I encountered misunderstanding and a great deal of judgment, particularly on the part of those closest to me. On the other hand, I did encounter sincere attempts to help, lend a hand, which I did not always interpret correctly, and did not necessarily accept. I was living in some fog. I felt that time was running out, and too quickly. One week after another, and I rise without a job, to my narrow existence and to a great deal of anger and pain. How come everybody, even the average ones and even below that, are capable of working, while I, with all my abilities and willingness, had been out of the circle of employment for so long. I felt that the years that were supposed to be the happiest ones in my life were being wasted away. Who will restore for me this lost time? Who will give me back my confidence and self-faith? Who will erase the traces of that feeling of failure? Being a conscious individual, I realized that I was exclusively responsible for my fate. It would be up to me to find my own answers. There is, however, a difference between insight and action. The burning sense of failure stopped me from drawing that line that would connect the two. I continued showing up for job interviews and being rejected, to screening processes where I failed. I was hurt and angry. Not once was I about to give up, a step that nearly cost me my life. Presently, I am no longer angry with those potential employees who rejected me. Perhaps it was the universe’s way to tell me those were not the structures fitting my needs and wishes. On a practical note, they could not guarantee my future; a low-paying salary with no benefits of any kind; sometimes even without transportation refunds. There were also subjective justifications, which I uncovered only a while later, when I was safely and regularly employed. I realized, be it following soul-searching and based upon anecdotes I heard, here and there, that had I been hired by those organizations, I would have soon become frustrated and restless, because those organizations would not allow me any growth, certainly not abundance. I learned that it was the universe’s way to drive me forward, in a consistent search for doors to open to me and lead me to the growth and abundance I had always longed for. I now realize that at a time of crisis in general, and particularly when a crisis breaks out because of losing one’s job, the constant movement serves us. It prevents stagnation and falling into pits of desperation of frustration. It drives away our fears, because it leads into creating new things, which are even better than those that were in our lives prior to the crisis. Even if we lose focus, it is important to remember it is a temporary feeling. The discovery, finding the right place, will come over time. In the meantime, the diverse prospects may be viewed as experiences from which we may learn about ourselves, enhance our knowledge and expanding our horizons. Looking back, I am certain that from every temporary employment experience, I learned a thing or two, which assisted me in consolidating the ‘self’, shaping my view and outlook. It is because of those experiences that I know what exactly I want to achieve, as exhausting and even unnecessary as they seemed back then. If you want to take anything out of this article, the most important message I wish to convey is as follows: Similarly to the growth process in nature, creation and welcoming new things into our lives is a long, sometimes exhausting process. At times, after sowing, the rain does not come immediately. It is important to believe that the rain will eventually come, and will facilitate the growth of new, wonderful things; we should learn how to find in our hearts the words to comfort us and put us back on the track of patience, until changes occur. My own experience has taught me that in the long run, waiting is rather rewarding.